The Harp Police Gazette
"Can't live without it" -- Mike Nielsen
"A complete waste of time." -- God
"Must reading." -- the devil
Cold, Cold Harp
On the occasion of Patrick Harvey's outdoor early spring harp gig, March 25, 2006
(sung to the tune of "Cold Cold Heart" by Hank Williams
Why did the bride in truth decide
To wed where cold winds blow?
To take a chance, to dare to dance
In March, with ice and snow?
But I, with fear, begin to hear
All tunefullness depart
And as they come, I await the sun
And play my cold, cold harp
The forecast, that four-letter word
That leaves me here with dread
And as dawn breaks, the gentle flakes
Are falling on my head
The middle course is two steps flat
The ends, of course, are sharp
I long to play on warmer days
That warm my cold, cold harp
But summer's heat is not a treat
If I've outside to play
For strings and wood did stay inside
In cool, both night and day
The minute I step out the door
The dissonance does start
At least this time my hands are warm,
That play my cold, cold harp
-- Patrick Harvey
Memories, all alone in the harp case...
A concerned harper asks:
>Is it fact or superstition that strings (all kinds) have memory?
We're glad you asked. Yes, every note played into the harp is remembered
by the string and that is why, when you play that string a second time, it
"recalls" the previous time it was played and behaves in much the same way that
it did the time before.
The more challenging question is this: Do strings curled up in wee
paper bags in the side pocket of your harp case have memories, and if so, of
what? Do they hear you play and long to be stretched to their limit?
Could they be the buggers responsible for those unaccountable string breaks that
wake you in the middle of the night? We have surveillance videos to
confirm this! The uppity strings crawl out of the bags, slide over to the
harp, line themselves up against the correct gauge string and then tie
themselves onto the string and pull with all their might until they snap the
string on the harp and then quickly untie themselves and sneak back into their
little bags to be installed the following morning! Take no chances.
Keep your strings in our patented sound proof "Bag-o-Silence" harp string holder. Our motto: "Hear no evil, do no evil."
Amos B. Looney
Harp Police
Department of Shameless Commerce
Harp conversion...
It sounds good on paper but when it comes to real knuckles and know-how, you need a Certified Harp Missionary to assume the position.
Q: My harp has been answering the door when I am not at home and I have found copies of The Watchtower in her sound box. What can I do?
A: You don't have to be Mr. or Mrs. Common Sense to realize that harps will need to make their own choices at some point. There's only so much a harp parent can do to shelter them from the influences of the outside world. Perhaps it would be good right off the bat to send them to a Unitarian harp service where they can be exposed to many harp beliefs so that they won't be taken by storm when some born again brass strung Trinity College model tries to lure them through sympathetic vibrations.
Q: What about deprogramming when I find that my harp has joined some whacky "historical harp" cult?
A: As we say at the station house, "When your harp starts to bray, it's time to pray." We at the Harp Police take a strict line on this sort of thing. Whenever one of our harps shows signs of leaving the harp mainstream for one of these cults, we lock it in a room and make it repeatedly watch the scene from "A Day at the Races" where Harpo pulls apart a piano to find a harp inside it, until our harp begins to weep with a sense of its own true identity. Then it's milk and cookies and right to bed.
Q: On a more down-to-earth level, what about the practical problem of re-stringing my $5500 Bubinga Stave Back Dusty 36 with brass wires?
A: Well you can sit back and watch it implode as you bring it up to pitch. OR... you can buy the patented Harp Conversion Kit from Harp Police Enterprises. Simply fill your sound box with our special rebar and concrete combination to avoid this calamity. (although early experiments suggest that the tone of your lovely harp might be SLIGHTLY altered.*)
*Our lawyers at Sousa, Lott and Getz recommended we insert this small disclaimer.
Albee Derned
Harp Zealotry Division
Harp Police
Are you a Real Well-rounded Musician?
It has come to the attention of the Harp Police that certain individuals are claiming to be Real Well-rounded Musicians [pat. pend.] and that they think that other people are not Real Well-rounded Musicians. To discover which side of the Serious Real Well-rounded Musician fence you are on, take this simple test.
1. Are you immune from whimpering after seven straight hours of practicing Grossi's scale exercises?
2. Do you read music? At a distance of at least 12 feet?
3. Can you improvise an early music tune in the process of passing gas? In Phrygian mode?
4. Are you really committed to become all that you can be, harpistically? Have you had dreams of playing the harp naked?
5. Can you play the harp to make people dance? Sleep? Cry? Fart?
6. Have you sold your children into bondage to get your harp?
7. Have you named your harp after your secret dream fantasy lover?
8. Are your thumbs up? What are they up?
If you answered anything to all of the above questions, you are a Real Well-rounded Musician. Email us your address and we will send a van with flashing lights and sirens full of men in white coats carrying nets to take you to the Home for Real Well-rounded Musicians, where other musician-fanatics (including concert tuba players) annoy each other all day long with their fetishist OCD behaviors.
Can you ever be TOO PeeCee?
Penned on the occasion of the 1000th off-topic message on the Harp Mailing List about using the word Paki:
The list was full of ethnic slurs
By voluble villains and scurrilous curs
When who should arrive to take matters in hand
Than Amos B. Looney, that most PC man
He picks up a harp, and leads by example
Strumming a chord, he offers a sample
Of just how low the list can sink
When we type before we take time to think:
"Now these Paki harps are made of splinter
From the paddles that paddle the kids in the hinter
If you play them you'll find a cry in each note
Of a little lad paddled for something he wrote
And those Lyon and Healys are built in a place
Noted for mobsters and teams in last place
Sure a note played on the Troubadour harp
Will sound as dull as a Lake Michigan carp
And don't get me started on your cheapie lyre
That you picked up on Ebay, oh you silly buyer
A fool and his money will a scoundrel inspire
It just sounds like hell, so go set it afire
Now MY harp is the best, so fine, so floggin
It's better than yours so go soak your noggin
If we catch you in our harp circle once more
You'll play standing up cause your fanny's so sore
From the spankin we gave ya when you arrived at the door
With your pitiful, putrid, harp made offshore."
The troubled harp list and the solution to all our problems
(Oct 2001)
They are walking mazes, they are dancing around altars while reciting limericks,
and they are even dabbling in pedal harpestry while having strange dreams where
Oreo cookies get stuck in their strings and they have to eat them off before
they can play... Who are they?
The harperists!!!
What can be done to control this madness? The Harp Police have formulated a new anti-freedom policy that is currently being debated in both chambers of the Harp Police's brain, left and right. Here is a brief outline of the new "get-tough" policy:
1. If you have a dream about a harp, ask yourself, "Was I dreaming or did I actually eat cookies and play my harp in the middle of the night?" If so, perhaps you are substituting your numbers two and three favorite things for what you did not get before you fell asleep, your number one favorite thing. Why put out your dirty linen for us all to see?
2. If your spiritual goal, as a harper-flagelant, is to injure yourself while playing a great big pedal harp that could easily crush you if it fell backward on you, go ahead. The Harp Police don't care. As we have said many times before, the Harp Police are not here to cause disorder, we are here to preserve disorder.
3. If, in a dream or waking, you saw 7 harpers playing 7 harps on the 7th hour of the 7th day of the 7th year of the 7th decade, chances are they were playing Boz Scaggs' "Lowdown," given what we now know about the 70s. Do NOT, under any circumstances, reach for Revelations to see if there is a passage in there about how the emergence of disco marks the beginning of the end of time. We can tell you right now, it does.
4. It is more spiritually fulfilling to "Reply To All" since it builds a sense of community when you refer to another individual on the list as a "supreme dodo head." This way, everyone can see how you are right and how terribly wrong the other person is. Around the Harp Police headquarters, we call this a pissing match. Don't forget, distance counts, so post as many "replies to all" as you can manage as the flames erupt.
5. For maximum mental tranquility during these troubled times, download the latest versions of your email program to get the special "Reply Only To Those Who Agree With Me" function where you only have to listen to people who are smart, like you and not the rest of those yahoos that infest the list.
6. If all else fails, sleep soundly in the knowledge that sales of Prozac are on the rise and everyone will be much happier very soon.
The Harp Police firmly support freedom of speech, so long as you are saying exactly what we want to hear. Otherwise, take it to the lobby folks, because, in the immortal words of Kool and the Gang, "There's a party goin on right here..."
Just trying to help cloud the issues,
Amos B. Looney
Harp Police Netiquette-schmettiqette Division
Beauty knows no pain
A concerned citizen queries:
> Let's face it...most of us harpists/harpers are not like xxxxx...who is a
> stunning, Nordic-looking pale blonde, with a shapely figure and
incredible harp
> chops....
>
> but that doesn't mean that we do not deserve to be working
> harpists...right?????
Yes, in fact it does. We have been withholding comment on this topic for some time, hoping it would go away, but now as it persists, we must step firmly into the pile of comments, regardless of what sticks to our standard issue Harp Police gumshoes. To wit,
The Prime Missing Ribs Directive: Or, the "Looks go a long way rule."
In the interests of preserving Our Way of Life here in the Free World, one must understand that, as the residents of the asylum chant in Marat/Sade, "What's the point of a revolution without general copulation." Lots of harperists seem to think that people come to HEAR them play whereas in fact, most come to SEE them play. The steady plucking, the sly glisses, the cross hands technique.... all of these are actually highly stimulating to an audience numbed by years of having to put up with the power chord sweeping motions of open shirted speed metal guitarists or the abrasive "hands-in-ya-face" posturing of rap gangstas. We owe it to our public to look real, real good. So curves are good, blonde is good, buck nekkid is even better.
But, we hear you protest, "that doesn't mean that we, the swarthy pirates with peglegs and eye patches, do not deserve to be working harpists...right?????"
Of course not, but first, such sad cases must be made over at the Harp Police State Beauty Spa, where all your fat is yanked up to the top of your noggin and snipped off in a jiffy. Then the fat is added back to your body in key areas for shapely hips and pouty lips. After we are through, you will be mutton in the guise of a lamb. This is followed by a rigorous regimen of dietary disorder consisting mainly of harp chops* in a vinaigrette sauce guaranteed to have you off your dinner for months.
*our harp chops are made only from the most tender lap harps,
slaughtered even before the sound board has begun to develop a belly.
All this is necessary so that when the call comes again from the producer of some late night x-rated cable movie about harperists in love, we can all step proudly forward in our whalebone corsets and strapless evening gowns, and say, in the immortal words of Gloria Swanson, "I'm ready for my close-up, Mr. DeMille."
Amos B. Looney
Harp Fashion Police
"Beauty knows no pain."
Harp Sightings
The Harp Police are not here to cause disorder. They are here to preserve disorder.
Lately, the Harp Police have become profoundly concerned about so-called "Harp Sightings" reports issued as bulletins on this list. Of course, no harp has officially been sighted until NASA, NOAA, the Pentagon, and other duly designated officials have been consulted to see if perhaps the "harp" may have been mere swamp gas or a stray weather balloon. Such erroneous sightings can only lead to General Public Panic. Why is this? Simple. The famous lost book of the Bible, Harpocalypse Now, Chapter Three, Verse Two has the the following passage:
"And lo, in the final days, just prior to the cosmic whimper, there will be harps seen throughout the land. And there will be much tuning and weeping and gnashing of teeth. And even the holy Madonna will be seen playing a harp. And saintly Harpo will come upon a spinning silver disk* and cause many to play where there had been just ladies in fancy gowns and grimacing countenance."
* Biblical prophecy experts interpret this to be a DVD of "Animal Crackers."
Thus, in the future, should anyone on this list issue a "harp" sighting, such bulletins must be attached to a Form 2001, Blood Oath Statement of Prop Master of the film or tv show in question as to the authenticity of the "harp" in question.
And don't get us started on the connection between idle hands and the harpmakers (friends of the devil) of the world.
Amos B. Looney
Harp Police
Ten Fun Things to do While Tuning
1. You can do imitations on the harp of your cat in heat
2. You can do a scientific study of why the tuner said your B was fine but it sounds lousy anyway
3. You can test the tensile strength of your strings by twisting the F peg when it is actually the G string that is flat
4. You can practice finger motions suitable for microsurgery while trying to get your highest note exactly in tune
5. You can procrastinate practicing the piece you didn't want to learn anyway by spending all the available time tuning
6. You can play mind games with other musicians by tuning your strings slightly out of whack and then telling them they have to tune to you since your harp is tempermental
7. You can meditate using your lowest string as a mantra instead of saying Om which is boring anyway
8. You can watch your tuner's pickup clip lean to the right while you
tighten the peg it's on, and then watch it to lean to the left while it goes
right back to where it was in the first place; this is
called passive exercise
9. You can pound on the peg in question in the hope that it will stop going back to where it was in the first place; this is called active exercise
10. You can just stop tuning until the harp sounds so bad that it is a relief to finally tune it; in the medieval church this was called flagellation and was supposed to be good for the soul
Courtesy of Tan A. Summers
Holiday Party Music
It has come to the attention of the division of Mirth Control of the Harp Police
that certain people are attempting to foist their pet beliefs on the rest of us
multicultural munchkins. Just for the record, let us remind everyone that
any references to a deity, be he/she/it/we/they called Jesus,
Amos Moses, or Cosmic Muffin are hereby banned from any place wherever two or
more of you are gathered in his/her/its/our/their name.
To enforce this new policy we have come up with totally neutered holiday music aimed to satisfy the most easily offended members of the public:
Ding Dong Merrily in the Middle
O Come All Ye Tepid
Silent Night Unless You Have Something to Say
Deck the Halls with Gay Apparel, Because There Is Nothing Wrong With That
Jolly Mature Social Activist Nicholas
Rudolph, The Nasal-Special Overworked Exploited Reindeer
I'm Dreaming of a Multicultural Holiday
UFOs, We Have Detected On High
Oh Downsized Town of Bethlehem
Oh, Victim of Clear-cutting (in-joke for Pacific NW)
Listen, Harold Is Gonna Sing
Emotional Stability to the World
Yours truly
Amos. B. Looney
All purpose Harp Police Lexicon for beginning harperists
Harp Workshop Scams Revealed
It has come to the attention of the Harp Police [pat pend] that many harps are now being taken to so-called "Harp Workshops." While it is admirable to think about the routine maintenance of your harp, we must warn you that unless you are using a workshop authorized by our very authoritarian Authorizer, you are looking for trouble up the road.
For example, it has been pointed out that unauthorized workshops will sometimes use "additives" in tuning up your harp, which could clog up your soundbox cooling system, resulting in overheating during excessive periods of ornamentation. Even a strathspey (BTW, try saying that word quickly three times with lisping on the third repeat) might be too much for your poor, clogged up harp. And then who ya gonna call? That wandering harp tinker who sold you a bill of goods and now has moved on to another city to seduce more unsuspecting harp owners with promises of better performance? Hahh!
How to know if your workshop is authorized? Look for the Harp Police logo
tattooed on all authorized harp workshoppers. Seen at the left, we can
best describe our logo as a lovely low-head 32 string harp strung with barbed
wire with the motto below it, "Don't play me unless you really mean it."
Again, this handy Harp Workshop FAQ should answer most questions:
Q: If my harp does overheat, can I simply pour more antifreeze into the
soundbox?
A: Yes, but we prefer pure distilled Jameson's to keep your harp
humming for many years. Even if things go wrong after that point, you
can always tip the harp up and guzzle the coolant to soothe your broken
heart.
Q: How do I know if my harp has a timing belt?
A: That's an easy one... all 29 string and smaller harps have a timing
belt that must be replaced after 60,000 miles. If you miss this routine
maintenance, you can expect that your bass hand will become increasingly
syncopated until you begin to sound like a reggae band after a blunt
break.
Q: I went to one of these harp workshops and everybody there seemed to
know what they were doing except me. Was I right?
A: Yes. Good thing you didn't open your mouth.
Amos B. Looney
Harp Police
Additonal report follows from Sgt. Rita (meetah maid) Hamilton:
The following questions will determine whether or not you are in a harp
workshop:
A) True
B) False
A) True
B) False
A) True
B) False
A) True
B) False
A) True
B) False
A) True
B) False
A) True
B) False
A) True
B) False
A) True
B) False
IF YOU HAVE MORE THAN ONE TRUE ANSWER, YOU WERE IN A WORKSHOP. IMMEDIATELY REPORT TO THE AUTHORITIES.
Harp Competition Competition
As more competitors compete, it becomes increasingly clear that we must now move
to the next level and have Competition Competition. All competitions that
wish to compete in the Competition Competition, must submit a fully filled out
Form 4242 slash double naught. Competitions will be judged solely on the
basis of how extremely competitive they can be. Examples the judges would
like to see in future Competition Competition include:
1. Harperists must play at least one number on gossamer strings, lying on their backs at high noon with eyes propped open with tooth picks.
2. Harps must weigh no less than 56 pounds and must be carried by diminutive
harperists up a tall mountain in North Carolina.
3. Judges (appointed solely by Her Majesty in London) must be allowed to sleep with all harps prior to their being played at the competition.
4. Any males competing in the harp event must also be able to toss their 56 pound harp for height.
Angus McTuff
Scotland Barn-Yard Division
Harp Police
Animal Surveillance Alert
There has been altogether too much enthusiasm on this list for having fish,
dogs, cats, birds, sloths, etc., listening to harperists as they play.
Anyone with a minor case of paranoid schizophrenia could tell you what is
going on in these instances: Animal Surveillance. It's us vs. them, folks.
Ask any God-fearing NRA members why animals were put here on earth. Of
course, if you want to be the first to be taken when the
animals finally rise up against us, then that is your choice. Sit there
near your hummingbird feeder and let the little pests hover about, noting your
every move as you pluck "Hymn to St. Francis."
For those with a more reasonable sense of self-preservation, the Harp Police recommend playing in padded cells in order to avoid being overheard by any passing whooping cranes (damn big birds, if you ask us). If you don't have a padded cell handy, call our Mobile Unit and they will be down to your place in a jiffy to provide you with a soundproof, windowless armored car to practice in.
And for those who want to take a more aggressive stance, allow us to recommend
the patented Harp Police Harp-oon, a simple lap harp that converts within
moments to a barbed harpoon for driving off killer whales and other
troublemaking sea dwellers that might capsize your boat whilst you play "What
you do with a drunken sailor" on the poop deck.
Amos B. Looney
The Harp Police
<<<<Picture used by permission of Deborah Henson-Conant -- She's cool!
A modest proposal
"Even dwarfs started small." - Werner Herzog
The Harp Police have been concerned lately about the problem of the
impoverished harpist. These little people with their little checking
account balances are trouble waiting to happen. Harp Class Struggle is
just around the corner. Shall we round up these proletariat harpers and
herd them into the local football stadium as our friend Pinochet did down in
Chile?
The Harp Police say no. It's much easier and cheaper to simply shackle
their ankles so that they can't leave their rickety front porches. This
will keep all such upstarts in their place and not attending our upscale harp
conventions. Just remember the immortal words of Richard Daley:
The Harp Police are not here to create disorder, they are here to preserve
disorder.
And while we are on the subject of location of HarpCon, we are keeping a
close watch on the Philadelphia Police over the next several days as the
Republicans settle in for their martini slurping event in the city of brotherly
love. If the cops there really crack some heads of
protesters, the Harp Police vote a big yes for HarpCon 2002 to be held there.
It will be a comfort to know that we have backup in case some of those "don't
use any wood from a living tree to build a harp" types show up to disrupt our
heavenly enclave.
Amos B. Looney
The Harp Police
Harp Police on Tour
And here's the number one hit single from the Harp Police Tour 2000:
Every breath you take
Every move you make
Every gig you take
Every string you break
We'll be watching you
Every single day
Every note you play
Every pin you bray
Every harp list fray
We'll be watching you
Although you see
You play carefully
How your fingers ache
At each practice break
Every move you make
Each banana break
As you shake and quake
Every tune you fake
We'll be watching you
While you play in a chair in the sun and sand
As the wind blows the sheets from your music stand
You watch as sticky kids try to grab and play
As their folks make requests you can't stand to play
Though you're crying "Not the Pachelbel, PLEASE!"
You may not see
We're checking care-ful-ly
You think you're alone
But we hear each tone
Every move you make
Every gig you take
Every string you break
Every tune you fake
Every breath you take
Each mistake you make
We'll be watching you
Tour jackets will be available. Just send $2000 in small, unmarked
bills,
and we'll get back to you.
- - Steve Boylan, 42nd Earl of Olay [we call him this because he demanded royalties! -ed]
Living Harps Warning
It started in the 50s with Playtex and their infamous living bras and girdles. Now, harps are apparently coming to life and there's no stopping them. They have begun to overpopulate the coastal areas of the planet. They demand large SUV's so that they don't bump their heads so much. Will they eventually rebel if we try to stuff them into those new VW bugs? How long can we keep them in check?
The Harp Police have been inundated with concerns voiced by the more rational members of the harperist community:
Q: If you leave two living floor harps together long enough in a dark
room with a naughty cable channel turned on the TV, do they procreate
and create lap harps?
A: It has been noted here and elsewhere that harperists have been taking
revealing photos of their harps and sticking them up with post-it notes
on the sides of their computer monitors. So why should we be shocked
when the inevitable happens? We at the Harp Police headquarters decry
the taking of photographs of underage harps by anyone, regardless of
creed, color, lack of color, etc. We need to set a good example for
young, impressionable harps. Then there would not be so many lap harps
running around the streets of yer' so-called modern civilization.
Q: We have a living harp in our house and we are tired of cleaning its
litter box. How do you humanely put a living harp to sleep?
A: When a living harp begins to show signs of CRS (if you have to ask
what this means, you already have it!) and begins to forget notes and
lever changes, it is time to put it to sleep. Surely it is the harp's
fault and not yours when this happens and, if allowed to progress
sufficiently, that harp will only be able to play tunes by Bootsy and
the Rubber Band and/or Stravinsky. Only a trained harp thanotologist
can properly handle the delicate business of helping a harp through the
transition from this life into the next realm. Typically, the harp
thanotologist will speak softly and soothingly to the squirrelly harp
until it acquires a deep trust for the practitioner. Then, when the
beast is totally at ease, the harp thanotologist will drop a player
piano on the unsuspecting harp. The end is quick and nearly painless.
And in the process, we have one less player piano to kick around.
Q. My living harp has developed a severe personality disorder. It
wants
to play only Norwegian polkas. What's up?
A: Recently, due to excessive publicity regarding the Viking-Celtic
connection (shame on you, PBS), it seems that many living harps have
begun to rename themselves to "Olaf" and "Thor." A trained harp
therapist can probably cure this psychosis if it is caught in time. The
most obvious early warning sign is when you see sled runners
mysteriously appear on the bottom of your living harp. Don't wait
another moment. Squeeze it into your VW bug and head out to the local
harp therapist.
Q: If tin whistles are made of tin, what do they lap harps out of?
A: Laplanders.
We at Harp Police Headquarters hope we have put to rest any further positive comments about "harps being alive." Once we all agree about the nuisance of having to take care of living harps, we can return to the good old days of "bits of wood with strings stretched between them."
Blasphemingly yours,
Amos B. Looney
Spiritual Debunkery Division
The Harp Police
As many
of you may be aware, the rise of the wedding harperist has led to some pretty
ugly scenes dealing with displaced church organists. The following items
clipped from the pages of the latest Harp Police Gazette suggest the situation
may be getting worse:
1. Picketing organists (don't they have folk organers?) last week outside Our Lady of Paralyzing Guilt Church in suburban Downers Grove, IL forced a pedal harpist to drive her Lyon and Healy Style 42 over their prostrate bodies in the nave.
2. Suspiciously loose pipes tumbled from a huge pipe organ in Drecksboro, NJ, knocking the wedding harpist there so silly that he played "The Wild Rover" during the lighting of the unity candle.
3. Spontaneous human and harp combustion has been ruled out as a possible
cause of the church fire in Boca Raton (translates literally to "Rat's Mouth")
FL, during which a lovely gowned harpist and her Rusty Strings 36 were consumed
by flames. Stunned wedding attendees reported
seeing a little fellow in a threadbare suit and a Zippo lighter leaving the
scene of the fire humming the "Trumpet Voluntary" with all his "stops" pulled
out.
All of these events may lead a more passive group of musicians (and harperists have been unfairly labeled "wimpy" more than once) to raise the white flag and to surrender to the larger force of church organists. However, the Harp Police, having been properly trained in paramusical tactics, are ready to rumble. Here is our current cultural retaliation program:
The next time you play a church wedding, find your way over to the organ, pull out all the stops, and TAKE THEM WITH YOU! Imagine the shock and surprise on the face of all in the church on the following morning Sunday service when the organist hits the first few notes and realizes he or she has no stops. The organ will go careening out of control with the organist strapped firmly into the driver's seat, air bag deploying, etc, etc.
Plan B, stay late after finishing your recessional. Play during the photograph session. Play during the time when the janitor sweeps up the flower petals. When the church is finally completely deserted, climb up into the organ pipes and file a small notch out of the middle C pipe. Wait til the congregation hears the organist play with a lisp the next day. Then, let's see if they can call us wimps.
Your cooperation in this matter is appreciated. Don't forget: Rome was not built in a day, nor was it built like your Mother.
Your friends,
The Harp Police Swat Team
Wedding War Bulletin #2
In a surprise move yesterday, the Organization of Concerned Harpers and Harpists (OCHH) called for a truce between warring wedding harperists and wedding organerists. In a move they have dubbed "concilliatory," the OCHH (pronounced "ochh"--read Angela's Ashes for further background) has declared that if the wedding organerists are to be paid also when a wedding harperist is contracted to play at a wedding, that proves the point that people are willing to pay organerists NOT to play at weddings and that there need be no further bloodshed.
A representative of Wedding Organers and Organists Federation (WOOF) responded, "Such upstart comments are typical of those people who would be likely to pluck at whatever was handy, especially, and I use this word with malice aforethought, CHICKENS."
In a related story, Mr. F. Leghorn, President of the Society for Poultry Advancement and Maturation (SPAM--whose agenda includes eating only chickens who have died of old age) issued a strongly clucked statement: "To compare chickens to harperists is to give every rooster and hen a bad name."
Meanwhile, fighting in the provinces continues as organerists armed with battery powered Casio keyboards deployed themselves around a gazebo "somewhere in the Hamptons," daring the outnumbered and beleaguered harperist to penetrate their "wall of sound."
Amos B. Looney,
Editor
Harp Police Gazette
As the season turns to spring here in the northern hemisphere, the Harp Police
Vice Squad must issue the following reminder:
As many of you might be aware, harps have long been associated with frisky
springtime feelings. Whether down by the sally gardens or plucking wild mountain
thyme, harpists have been found to be inclined toward lusty sentiments. In fact,
there are those unscrupulous harpists who might actually use their harps to lull
unsuspecting listeners into amorous states. Of course, legend has it that the
great harpist is one who can make a listener dance, cry and sleep. But remember,
too, the unethical harpist might be able to make a listener give in to certain
feelings that the Harp Police would be loathe to spell out in great detail here,
given the mixed audience that view this list. Suffice it to say that any such
unethical harping would be in strict violation of the Harp Police code, to wit:
1. All harpists must wear clothes while harping for others. (What you do in your practice room is your own business.)
2. Any harpist caught trying to seduce a person with a fetching melody will immediately have their middle C string broken and a big red A painted on their sound board.
3. And finally, and we can't emphasize this enough, only Deborah Henson-Conant is allowed to use a harp THAT way in public. She has an official Harp Police Permit for Public Harp Indecency. The rest of you are simply out of luck. (although, if you have any provocative jpg files of yourself and your harp, we are MORE than willing to take a look and render a verdict.)
So, enjoy yourself and harp merrily in this sassy season. But mind your manners.
Amos B. Looney
Harp Police Vice Squad
Ask the Harp Police.... We know everything and even if we don't, we have ways of finding out.
Denise (the lone harper) wrote:
> What is it about the "coasts" that causes there to be such a proliferation of harpers there?
The Harp Police are happy to respond to this frequently asked question by people of the Midwestern persuasion. The proliferation of harpers on the coasts is due to the little known lemming/harper connection. Allow us to explain....
On second thought, allow us to leap into the sea while we play "Ebb Tide."
*****************
mmcl wrote:
> Please forgive an uninformed question, but what is phantom power?
The Harp Police have often been accused of exercising phantom power in our
quest to keep everyone up to snuff in the harp world. While we freely
admit that we can't get to each and every house to slap your hands when you do
something wrong (such as calling the basketball team
from Boston the "Keltics"), please be advised that we are watching and waiting
for the opportunity to reach out and touch someone.
Which reminds us that we meant to talk a bit about practicing and what kind
of steps we might take if we actually hear some playing these so called
"scales." While snakes can have all the scales that they want, no harpist
will be allowed to play with these scales unless accompanied
by a certified Harp Snake Charmer Therapist. While we do support most
steps to reduce the overpopulation of harperists, we can not condone snakebite as the "final
solution." It's not fair to the snakes, who need their venom to attack the
stray church organists who wander afield.
And then there's the whole issue of playing any music at all in between gigs.
Everyone knows that playing the harp is a bothersome chore. Why would
anyone want to "practice" their tunes? All it will do is make the tunes
more recognizable to folks in the establishment, who might include a fellow with
bleu cheese dressing dripping from his beard, who comes up to you and says,
"That's the first tune that you played tonight that I actually recognized... Why
don't you play more stuff like that?" I think we all know what comes
next... "Why don't you play 'Danny Boy?'"
Next thing you know, you have pulled off your shoe and you are banging on your
soundboard shouting, "I'm fed up and I'm not going to take it anymore."
So for the sake of keeping the peace, never, never play your harp unless absolutely necessary and then only play things that you have never played before. So many tunes, so little time.
Amos B. Looney
Harp Police
*****************
A certain Mr. Angus O'Shamissey asks:
In what year did St. Patrick write Danny Boy?
We're glad you asked. We usually get several queries like this in the early
part of March as harpists throughout our virtual precinct prepare for St.
Patricks's Day gigs. The Harp Police are all too aware that certain noisy pub
patrons always demand that Irish (and Italian and Croatian) musicians play Danny
Boy on St. Patrick's day. Why is this?
Well, it's because they have gotten drunk and don't know any better. If they
would go to mass instead of drinking green beer, they would honor the patron
saint of Ireland far better. But in the likely event that they chose the latter
course, we suggest that you play it with all your heart and soul for them. It
will probably be the closest thing to a religious experience that they have that
day.
Your friends,
The Harp Police
*****************
> Does anyone know which Welsh harpers will be at the Folk Harp conference
in Monterey this summer? It may make a difference in whether I attend.
Of course, we wouldn't go either if Welsh harpists were there. The last time we saw Robin Huw-Bowen, he told the audience that he would be happy to put any willing victim under the lash if they had the necessary masochistic tendencies. We can just picture him with a ruler in his hand, smacking our fingers as we fail to hit the notes properly. Sure, they're all sweetness on the outside, but inside, those Welsh harpists all brooding beasts. Lord how they scare us. We're shivering just thinking about it.
Amos B. Looney,
Chief of the Harp Police Vice Squad
Harp Police Public Safety Alerts:
First, a quote we picked up from Mike Tackett:
It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a
tune.
--- Woody Allen
Which led us to thinking of "Carolan's Farewell to Music." How many other instruments have a legendary figure in their history who died just after composing a final tune on the instrument? Did Charlie Parker, for example, compose "Bird's Swan Song," just before his death?
In a related item, we heard on some public radio show last week that playing the saxophone is hazardous to your health because it raises your blood pressure and does not allow for proper circulation of blood due to constricted veins in the neck. Sax players, even the boring ones who do not shoot heroin, tend to live shorter lives than the rest of us.
How do all these items connect? We're glad you asked:
It has come to the attention of the Harp Police that playing the harp may
actually prolong life. And, since it is a well known fact that a glut of
(defined as "lotsa" for the lay person) baby boomers are now approaching
retirement, and a glut of them are playing the harp, we are
clearly headed for a collision of forces that will lead to total planetary
collapse unless drastic steps are taken first.
Leading harp manufacturers have agreed to cooperate in this matter. Henceforth, all new harps sold to people 45 years and older will include a special apparatus to require the harpist to blow vigorously into a tube while playing to allow the soundboard and strings to reach full tension. This simple modification, which will only add about 40 pounds to the total weight of the harp, will make it possible for the aging baby boomer harpist to simultaneously prolong and shorten his or her existence, thus restoring the planet to planetary harmony.
The Saxoharp will be available in a choice of colors, emblazoned with nordic
runes which translate roughly to: "Still alive but doing my best to get out of
the way for the convenience of the yuppies." All existing harps at the
present time owned by boomers (defined as "people who remember when The
Bullwinkle Show ran in prime time on NBC") must be returned to their makers for
a complete retrofit of the new apparatus.
Failure to comply with this request in a timely fashion will lead to confiscation and destruction of your harp by our officer Cromwell and his gang of merry men.
"When all harps are registered, only outlaws will own harps."
--Officer Ollie Cromwell
"Soylent Green is people."
--3x's NRA President Charlton Heston
Concerned for the planetary balance,
The Harp Police
Y2K Harp Survival?
We at the Harp Police headquarters are sick and tired of the same tired questions such as
"How can i tell if my harp is Y2K compliant?"
"How many backup harps do I need to be on the safe side for Y2K?"
or
"Can I change the date on my harp to January 2, 2000 to see if it is safe?"
First of all, we want to assure you that the Harp Emergency Management Program (HEMP) has been on the case for the last several months with a plan that, while somewhat smoky in its details, seems to cover all contingencies.
But what if HEMP is not enough? That's where the Harp Police come in. We have purchased several mammoth power generators that will be connected to megalithic pitch pipes which will generate an A=440 tone that will cover the entire surface of the planet, so that everyone will be able to stay in tune despite any non-compliant digital tuners that will be operating on year 1900 (A=436) tuning.
So tune up, turn out and play on. Your insecurity is secure thanks to the diligence (or is it dalliance?) of the Harp Police.
Official Notice from the Harp Police
Take heed:
By decree of the Chief of the Harp Police, a new onelist community has been
started called the "No Pain, No Gain, Knuckle Cracking Harplist List." The
purpose of this list is solely to add to the proliferation of new lists in
the hopes that eventually everyone will have his or her own list. This list is,
of course, better than all previous lists since all topics will be judged to be
off-topic and offending members will be placed under house arrest and forced to
play "Hot cross buns" in
the key of C until they have become as blind as O'Carolan. All mail directed to
the list will be cheerfully bounced back to the sender via a "Mailer Demon" that
will attach itself to your forehead until you holler "uncle" in either Gaelic or
garlic.
You have been warned...
The Financial Section
It has come to the attention of the Harp Police that some people actually expect
to earn a living by playing the harp. Once again, we must remind the
potential harpo-capitalist of the financial rules and regulations governing
intrastate, interstate, and international transportation of harps for the
purpose of obtaining dollars, pounds,
loonies, zlotys, etc. To wit:
All money earned through harp playing must be re-invested into buying harp strings, fingernail clippers, air fare, elegant gowns, tuxedos, etc. Any attempt to actually buy such items as potatoes, spam, lentils, Nike running shoes, and Yugos (unless you own a very small lap harp) with money earned through harp playing will be taxed at the rate of 100%. Harperists who are caught buying bananas with money earned from harp gigs must prove that the harpist in question is EXTREMELY nervous. Harp earnings spent on shoelaces must be for black shoelaces for black wing tips only.
I'm sure NONE of us wants to actually eat three square meals a day by playing the harp so let's stick to the rules and nobody will get hurt.
Just follow this handy FAQ and you will be fine:
Q: If I buy a lap harp, can I take additional deductions if my lap grows from year to year?
A: Yes, but we will take a pound of flesh for each additional deduction, resulting in a zero-sum situation.
Q: If I use red dye #3 for coloring my C strings and then use it on my hair to look more "celtic," will I be able to use this as a legitimate reinvestment?
A: Certainly but we would like to remind all harperists that faking ethnicity for the purpose of fooling the crowd in the local pub on St. Pat's day is a violation of the Phony Maloney clause of the Harp Code of Conduct.
Q: If I memorize a tune, and I get paid to play it, do I pay the same rate of tax as someone who is "paper trained," assuming neither of us is nervous and yet we both persist in buying bananas with our harp money?
A: Paper training is good for puppies. The Harp Police suggest that all small dogs who want to earn money playing the harp should at least be paper trained since many finer venues have certain rules of behavior to keep their fancy carpets clean.... wait a minute, what was the question?
Amos B. Looney
Harp Police Financial Scam Division
To the editor:We at the Singapore Shoe Company would like to lodge a complaint against an advertiser in your publication. On page 14 of your most recent issue, there was an advertisement for a Heeling Harp CD. The ad claimed that this music created heeling power. Due to flagging productivity, we ordered one of these to play for our employees during their 16 hour shifts of cobbling. Shortly after putting the CD on, the vast majority of our 10 year old cobblers fell fast asleep at their little cobbler benches. The loss in productivity amounted to over $500 in that single incident. Where do we send the bill?
Yours in anger,
"Kathy Lee"
------------------
Dear Kathy Lee:Your plight touched our hearts. Whenever that happens, we contact our law firm, Susa, Lotz, & Getz to see what our next move will be. You will be hearing from them shortly.
Yours "truly"
Amos B. Looney
Editor, Harp Police Gazette
---------------------
Dear Ms. Gifford:We here at Susa, Lotz, & Getz had quite a good laugh after seeing your letter to the editor of the Harp Police Gazette. You are assuming that a "heeling harp" CD is designed to help people install heels on shoes faster. Nothing could be further from the truth. In point of fact,
this music is designed to help dogs be more obedient. Instead of issuing the usual "Heel" command to the dog, you place a walkman headset on the dog and allow it to be controlled in a more gentle and a more natural way--through the heeling power of the harp. Please see the
disclaimer on the new edition of the CD, which will be available shortly. (You may need a magnifying glass to read the fine print. Magnifying glass sold separately. See our ad--if you are able--in the back pages of Fine Print magazine.)Sincerely,
Edgar "Ed" Sousa
Senior Partner
Susa, Lotz, & Getz
--------------------------------------
Dear Mr. Looney:Please pay the enclosed legal bill for $1000 promptly. And would you please send us one of those CDs? I have this bull terrier at home that will not stop attacking the kids in the neighborhood.
Yours truly,
Edgar "Ed" Sousa
Senior Partner
Susa, Lotz, & Getz
Printed on yesterday's fish wrap. No extra charge for the unique aroma.
All facts guaranteed or your money cheerfully refunded. More to come, if
the men in the white coats don't catch us first! To subscribe to the Harp
Police Gazette, surrender all assets to your local ashram and send your name,
address and shoe size to:
Harpoholics' Halfway House
42 Ceasar Red
Efsarbleu, France.
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become the meaning of life for me.